#73 DON’T Be Naughty
Nothing says Christmas quite like a little corporal punishment. The French have a special Yuletide character that not only spreads Christmas joy but also quite literally beats it into people. I’m talking about the dear French Christmas cohort, Père Fouettard. While Anglo-Saxons believe that naughty chilluns deserve an innocuous lump of coal from Santa, the French believe Santa flies around accompanied by a homicidal sadomasochist with a tinge of pedophilia named Père Fouettard who gives naughty children a whipping if they don’t behave. Legend has it that Ol’ Père Fouettard drugged some schoolboys slit their throats then chopped them into pieces and stewed them in a barrel until a kinder Père Noël found the boy’s bodies and forced the repentant Fouettard into a life of x-mas servitude. Under Père Noël’s command, Fouettard is armed with a cat o’ nine tails and must beat the naughty out of brats from Christmas last. I’m sure this is both a constructive and therapeutic outlet for this psychopath, who knew St. Nick was so New Age?! I don’t know about you, but this tradition certainly would’ve scared the naughty right out of me; no wonder the French are so polite, quiet and well behaved, they were raised believing a homicidal maniac was just waiting to drop down their chimney and beat the crap out of them. The moral of the story is: if you find yourself in France during the holiday season, you better watch out, because Santa Claus +1 is coming to town.
fun fact: did I mention he usual appears in blackface next to Santa during Christmas festivities.
