Paris Do, Paris Don't

Jan 10

#74 DO La galette des Rois

It’s that time of year again for those flat golden flaky cakes to start popping up everywhere from a box at your local Monoprix to your neighborhood boulangerie, it’s La galette des Rois. The french hate monarchy for obvious reasons and take great pleasure in the idea that some fancy kings had to give a lowly barn baby some gifts, très égalité. The French celebrate this special moment of monarchical humiliation with a traditional cake during L’Epiphanie. A strange set of rituals surrounds the consumption of this holiday dessert as a tiny Christ Child figurine is baked into the galette and then ends up concealed inside a flaky slice on an unsuspecting diner’s plate. Not surprisingly, the only way the French can stomach Jesus (like anything) is if he is buried in layers of butter, flour and sugar. To further punctuate their general disdain for Christ, whomever ends up with the baby Jesus in their mouth has to wear a humiliating Burger King crown and is obliged to buy the cake for the next year’s celebration…either that, or they might just die, sort of like the French equivalent of Russian roulette: responsibility or death, both equally grim conclusions. Choking hazards aside, using delicious sweets against both monarchy and the Church is an effective way to instill in children republican ideals while still making way for yet another public holiday, mission accomplished France—power to the people, power to the pastry!

Dec 18

#71 DO David Lebovitz

If the opportunity presents itself, definitely DO David Lebovitz. He’s cute, funny, has impeccable taste buds and is probably a sensitive and decent lay. Unfortunately, David doesn’t strike me as a floozy so I recommend you do the second best thing and religiously follow his blog. Mark my words, David will never lead you astray when you get caught breaking post #7.

Oct 9

#53 DO Tour Eiffel Light Show

Most Parisians will tell you they abhor this, they’re being sincere, they really do, but this is because they’re French and hating the Eiffel Tower is a prerequisite for citizenship. You, on the other hand, are not Parisian and no matter what, you cannot resist the charms of this iconic structure. Don’t fight the inevitable, do the tower, but more importantly do the tower at night every hour on the hour because that’s when it puts on a shimmery light spectacular. It probably is a ploy by Parisians to give seizures to the likes of you, but brain spasms or not, there is nothing more enchanting than that light display at 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12 on the dot—you literally cannot miss it.

Sep 22

#50 DO Opera Garnier

Get ye to the Opera Garnier. This ornate spectacle had been deemed the jewel box of the city and it couldn’t live up to its name more with every visible surface dripping with gilt, glass, murals, gems etc. Quite frankly, it gives Versailles a run for its bijou. The best part about the Opera is if you arrive an hour before the performance you can score a 9e rush ticket and then you can enjoy the world-class Paris ballet, sit in a private box that looks like a bordello (forget Moulin Rouge) and then sip champagne in the grand foyer during intermission. Yes pliése.

Sep 17

#48 DO Marché aux Oiseaux

It’s weird, but it’s worth a peek. Every Sunday all the strange old birdmen gather on Île de la Cité to buy, sell and trade their feathered friends. I’m no bird expert and probably any bird aficionado wouldn’t dare waste their time admiring the wide selection of common street pigeons; but it’s not about the birds, it’s really about the people who love and care for them. The bird vendors will undoubtedly give you suspicious looks as you admire their cockatoos, but that just adds to the charm of the entire experience—I mean, this wouldn’t be Paris if you didn’t get at least one disparaging glare. And if nothing else, a morning at the bird market makes your Sunday poulet rôti taste so much sweeter.