Paris Do, Paris Don't

Jan 10

#74 DO La galette des Rois

It’s that time of year again for those flat golden flaky cakes to start popping up everywhere from a box at your local Monoprix to your neighborhood boulangerie, it’s La galette des Rois. The french hate monarchy for obvious reasons and take great pleasure in the idea that some fancy kings had to give a lowly barn baby some gifts, très égalité. The French celebrate this special moment of monarchical humiliation with a traditional cake during L’Epiphanie. A strange set of rituals surrounds the consumption of this holiday dessert as a tiny Christ Child figurine is baked into the galette and then ends up concealed inside a flaky slice on an unsuspecting diner’s plate. Not surprisingly, the only way the French can stomach Jesus (like anything) is if he is buried in layers of butter, flour and sugar. To further punctuate their general disdain for Christ, whomever ends up with the baby Jesus in their mouth has to wear a humiliating Burger King crown and is obliged to buy the cake for the next year’s celebration…either that, or they might just die, sort of like the French equivalent of Russian roulette: responsibility or death, both equally grim conclusions. Choking hazards aside, using delicious sweets against both monarchy and the Church is an effective way to instill in children republican ideals while still making way for yet another public holiday, mission accomplished France—power to the people, power to the pastry!

Dec 27

#72 DON’T Mexican

While there are a lot of things in Paris to gripe about, expats just love to whine about how much they miss Mexican food. However, expats need to shut their enchilada holes and realize that Parisians don’t do Mexican food (I’m sorry but cactus/candelaria/mexi&co just don’t cut it), so stop trying to make it happen here. There are a few things inherently wrong with Mexican cuisine for the French: strike one is it lacks butter but demands deep frying, strike two is that corn is the staple, and the final nail in the cuisine coffin is that it’s spicy, the French palate is so weak that even ketchup makes their eyes water. Parisians also hate eating with their hands—whether it be dipping chips, holding a huge drippy taco, tostada, fajita, taquito—Dios mio, keep it at a fourchette’s length! There’s simply nothing polite about the consumption of a monster california super mega grande carne burrito, the closest Parisians come to such savagery is an elegantly folded crepe with a three filling limit. You wouldn’t go to Guadalajara and expect to find a perfect tradition, so why would you reckon the reverse. If you want Mexican food go to Mexico because the French Mexican’t.

Dec 18

#71 DO David Lebovitz

If the opportunity presents itself, definitely DO David Lebovitz. He’s cute, funny, has impeccable taste buds and is probably a sensitive and decent lay. Unfortunately, David doesn’t strike me as a floozy so I recommend you do the second best thing and religiously follow his blog. Mark my words, David will never lead you astray when you get caught breaking post #7.

Dec 15

#70 DO Beurre

We all know certain things are just better here, be it croissants, madeleines, chocolate, escargot, béchamel, caramel, etc., but to explain the source of these culinary feats we simply need to identify the common denominator: le mighty beurre. There is something magical about the butter in France, it is so delicious, so sweet, so salty, so creamy—you eat it on anything and everything, you will never tire of it and you probably can even eat it plain (you know who you are). One really has not experienced butter until you’ve unwrapped a brick of this dairy d’or of France. Luckily, there is enough red wine flowing around here to cancel out the negative effects of the saturated fat in your arteries, so it’s all good. Just remember when you come to Paris next, buy a warm baguette slather on le beurre and suddenly Brando’s Last Tango in Paris anal scene will make a lot more sense (dirty old man or passionate expat foodie!?!)…Either way, butter ‘er up, this shit is golden!

Dec 5

#69 DON’T de Flore

Every travel book will tell you to stop, drop, and roll out your euros at the famous Café de Flore. I won’t because it’s a Don’t. Frozen food is great and all, but when it comes in the form of a greasy croque monsieur that will set you back 18 euros, no thanks. Sure it has ‘history’ and is pretty inside, but so are 89% of any given corner cafes in Paris. You can gage the level of meh this cafe provokes by the ¾ eyeroll a Parisian will give you upon hearing the words de Flore escape your lips. But beware; Parisians will not directly discourage your enthusiasm because they rely on places such as de Flore to keep your touristy self out of all the good cafes—classic Parisian decoy. So if you want to pay for overpriced food and drinks and watch hordes of tourist walk by, then by all means I suggest you go and enjoy all Cafe du Flore has to offer. Otherwise, be brave, walk a block in any direction and find another terrace table to be Parisian at.